Sex and Marriage in the Bible

Many people seem to think that God does not care about sexual immorality. Rather, the opposite is true, he does care what goes on in the bedroom. This concern is not because he is prudish or like some cosmic Santa Claus, snooping on what we are doing, but rather because he loves his children and wants the best for us. In short, sex in marriage follows God’s law and allows God’s blessing in our lives. This article will explore some of what is said in God’s law, then the New Testament, and how it applies today.

Sex and Marriage in the Torah

God stated his instructions for life, the universe, and everything, in the Torah (Hebrew, instruction). God revealed the Torah to Moshe on Mt. Sinai after delivering the children of Israel from bondage in the land of Egypt. The Torah reveals God’s guidelines for his covenant community.

Most of what the Torah says about sex and marriage is in the books of the Torah called Leviticus and Deuteronomy, specifically chapters 18 and 22/24, respectively. Leviticus is a document that lists the cultic requirements of God’s people, that is, what God expected of those who followed him. Deuteronomy (from the Greek word meaning second law) is Moshe’s retelling and re-extrapolation of the law, right before God brought his people into the land of Israel and Canaan.

Leviticus 18

Leviticus 18 lists all the prohibited sexual relations in which God did not want his people engaging. These are listed with the formula you shall not uncover the nakedness of…. Most of these are prohibitions against incest. Among other examples of incest, God in Leviticus prohibits sex with one’s sister (and half-sister), a mother and a daughter at the same time, two sisters at the same time, a women experiencing menstruation (called niddah in Hebrew), humans and beasts, and two men sleeping together. These relations oppose God’s plan for marriage, which is stated at the end of the creation narrative in Genesis 2:4, where God states, Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. The reason God did not want his people engaging in these practices is because they violate his standard of a one-flesh union, which he designed to bring the most blessing in life. God wants people to know the relationships that will bring life.

Deuteronomy 22/24

In Moshe’s retelling of the Law in Deuteronomy 22, starting at verse 13, he divided sexual relations into several categories: a married women who was found to not be a virgin, the wife of another man, a betrothed virgin, and a single virgin. He also divided them into actions that happened in the city versus the countryside. We will go through each in turn; I will provide summaries, from which the reader can study the text for herself. One must recognize that these are hypothetical, legal situations, from which one must draw broader conclusions.

A (verses 13-21) A man marries + non-virgin girl = punish the girl.

In this unfortunate situation, the man finds that the girl he married is not a virgin. While the particular method this was found out may be barbaric, the standard which we can extrapolate from this ancient law is that God does not approve of whoring in one’s father’s house (victims of rape, abuse, assault, and incest are not in the purview of this category and God has grace on victims; any Bible preacher who claims this refers to such victims should be denounced from God’s word). God sees intentional multiple sexual partners as a violation of his standard stated in Genesis 2:4, and this passage opposes such behavior.

B (verse 22) A man + a married women = punish both.

If a man sleeps with a women married to another man, that is the definition of adultery, which is also listed in the Ten Commandments. This behavior, under Mosaic law, requires the death of both parties, so as to purge the evil from amongst you. While we may not execute adulterors today, this verse shows how seriously God considers the violation of the marriage covenant.

C (verse 23-25) A man + an engaged/betrothed virgin + in the city = punish both

The linch pin of this legal case is that a man sleeps with someone else’s fiancee in the city. The assumption is that since it happened in the city, she may have been able to cry out and halt the assault. Since she did not cry out, she must have consented. Again, this hypothetical, legal case should not be used to condemn those who were assaulted and unable to scream. Back in those days, where neighbors were close and families lived together, it must have been hard to find a truly private place; therefore, any assault would have been seen or heard rather quickly; since she did not resist or call attention in such a scenario, it must not have been an assault in the first place, but a predetermined liaison between two consenting parties. Today, with our thick walls, dense urban jungles, and dark alleys, it may be harder to draw attention to an assault.

D (verses 25-27) A man + an engaged/betrothed virgin + in the country = punish the man

This passage should clearly show that God does care about the victim of rape. In this scenario, a man rapes someone’s fiancee in the countryside. Since there was no one to hear, we cannot know whether she consented or not. Therefore, the assumption is that the action was an assault. You shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death. Rather, the man is tried as a rapist.

E (verses 28-29) A man + a virgin = marry her

In this final, hypothetical case, a man finds a single virgin (that is, not betrothed or engaged to anyone). The man has violated her, whether she consented or not. If the law allowed her to marry another man, we would end up with situation A, above. Rather, the law required that the man marry her. She shall be his wife, because he has violated (others, humbled) her. He may not divorce her all his days. Lest someone say that this requires marrying one’s rapist, Jewish law required that the woman had the final say in the marriage: she could refuse him. Rather, the standard is how highly God considered the sanctity of marriage: that playing around with sexual intercourse should lead to marriage.

Practical

In ancient Israel, there were three ways to finalize a marriage. These principles were reaffirmed and stated in the tractate of Jewish law called Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1. These three are through money (i.e., a token of marriage, e.g., a ring), through contact (kesubes, with a ketubah), and through sexual intercourse (kiddushin). All three are commonly fulfilled, but only one is necessary to fulfill a binding marriage. These standards are a distillation of what God says in his word. Kiddushin comes from the Hebrew word kadosh, or sanctified, set apart, or holy. Sex is so holy that it sets the couple apart as a unified whole. God considers sex as so sacred that it binds two people together (this can be inferred from Gen. 2:4, as well as situation E, above). When two people have sex, they are bound. Since in God’s eyes, bound people are married, therefore, they should formally and legally recognize it.

In early America and England, pastors to finalize a marriage were in short supply. A couple would want to get married, and declare their intentions to the local community (usually posted as the banns on the church door, and left up for three weeks for anyone to see). Since the vicar only came by once a year, the community would allow the couple to live in marriage until the vicar solemnified the covenant that was already sanctified by the sexual act. This was a legal marriage in the eyes of the community, and in the eyes of God, because it was understood that this covenant was a commitment and not just having sex to break up a week later. This was a serious and completely binding marriage. The old Christmas song mentions this custom: In the meadow we can build a snowman Then pretend that he is Parson Brown He’ll say, Are you married?, we’ll say, No, man But you can do the job when you’re in town. This song reflects the practice of how the vicar/parson/or priest would finalize the unions that had already been consented to in the community.

In Scottish common law, also based on Biblical principles, a man and a woman could declare their love and commitment to each other, and then have sex. Church law (canon law) recognized this practice, known as handfasting, as a valid and sanctified marriage. (However, even though the Catholic church allowed the practice, they disapproved of it, wanting to maintain control over marriage.) In Kiddushin, a couple can be married by having sex; the same idea is found in the Scottish common law practice of handfasting.

There are many couples today who are living together and not married. The difference between such cohabitating unions and Kiddushin (God’s standard), is that in the former there is no clear commitment to covenant. People can break up and move in and out at will. There may be some couples who say vows to each other with this intention of commitment, which would be seen by God as valid, but most probably do not have that sacred understanding; then the question is, Why not just get married? In our modern society, if two people want to have sex and live their lives together, there are no reasons to not get married. In fact, there are many financial incentives, including tax reasons, to be a married couple. In addition, a marriage provides a sort of insurance policy that the person won’t just leave you, although this understanding is being eroded by divorce and adultery, which is all the more reason to have a sacred understanding of marriage, as God reveals in his word.

In modern (American) society, a marriage is solidified with two things. Spiritually/emotionally and legally. Spiritually, a couple exchange vows; and then legally, they receive a marriage license from the local authorities. God sees the marriage as valid without the legal license, but society does not, and there is no reason to not get the license. Some libertarians would maintain that government cannot authorize a marriage, but I see it as government sealing an action that the couple and God have already sealed. However, one should see that step as less of a government intrusion and more of a reflection of the Kiddushin practice of money and contract, which finalize a marriage. There are precious few reasons why a couple should not get a marriage license, and convenience and cohabitation is not one of them. Even in this time of covid, when people cannot gather, it is beautiful to see couples going to the local courthouse and clerk to get married. Their commitment to marriage is admirable. And, of course, the wedding ceremony is not necessary; but it is a nice time for people to recognize the already binding marriage (many couples sign the legal license during the wedding, which may be seen as a parallel to the ketubah; Jewish couples sign a license and a ketubah).

Sex and marriage in the New Testament

If you only think such ideas were for ancient times, let me tell you that Jesus and the New Testament re-affirm the godly principles of marriage revealed in the Torah.

Jesus himself said that if anyone looks at a woman with lustful intent, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. This extremely high standard shows how serious God takes the sanctity of marriage. Mere lust is a violation of marriage. Jesus’s statements are deliberately hyperbolic to prove a point.

One of Jesus’s follower, Rabbi Shaul (his Roman name was Paulus or Paul), taught that sex bound a couple together. In his epistle to the kehille (community) at Corinth, Shaul wrote:

don’t you know that he who is joined to (holds fast to) a prostitute (pornei) becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, The two shall become one flesh. But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from porneia (harlotry, sexual immorality). Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Paul knew that sex binds, it’s not just bodies, it involves one’s soul as well, and that binding oneself to a prostitute was a spiritual act of binding souls. He drew the analogy between uniting with the Lord and uniting with a prostitute; both are spiritual acts. God wants us to be bound in soul to him, not bound in soul to prostitution. Paul knew the one-flesh teaching of Genesis and taught it from heart.

In a letter to the kehille of Jewish Christians (Hebrews), Paul taught that God considered the marriage bed with utmost regard.

Let marriage be held in honor by all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the pornei (sexually immoral) and the adulterous.

Lest people think that God does not, Paul taught that he did and that God would judge the immoral, just as the Torah of Moshe required that people be punished for violating these standards.

Conclusion

God considers sexual immorality a problem for two reasons. Marriage is the foundation of society, and two, it is a symbol of God’s relationship with his people. God wants human societies to flourish, and upholding marriage is the best way to do so. People cohabiting leads to break ups, broken hearts, and does not contribute to economic security and the secure upbringing of children. Only a secure marriage can do that. Secondly, marriage between humans is a reflection of God’s marriage to his people. God does not want his people "whoring" with other gods and idols; he wanted a monogamous union with himself. Violating God’s standards of marriage is ultimately violating God himself. As a couple are bound together in marriage, planning to never leave each other, so God plans to never leave or forsake us. He gave us a wedding covenant (the rabbis state that the Torah was his ketubah), and he promises to take care of us. The wedded relationship is a symbol of what God did for us. And if you find yourself in a different standard than this, know that God is eager to take you in and is only a prayer away. These laws were not from a prudish god, but were designed for our benefit, so that we could live life with God and each other in a state of human flourishing.